This first post really isn't written by me. Well not exactly by me. It is written by 20 year old me. It is a letter that I wrote to 30 year old me and sealed up in the depths of my youthful treasures in a box with in a box in the garage which I have, in my 30th year, stumbled upon in spring cleaning. Enclosed I found a twenty dollar bill and this awesomely naive, letter with every single secret to becoming that could possibly exist in a 20 year old mind. It is really, really, really long but endure if you can. I enjoyed it. Like I said, this is for Mary so I am not cutting anything out so that I have a record of its painful fullness There are things that you just don't remember are important now while you're in the thick of it that I appreciated...
January 28, 2005
Well Mary, You've done it! You're a mom now! I wonder how it feels. I wonder if you've eaten every word you said about mom. HOPEFULLY NOT. Great Lady, just don't be like her. ;) Hopefully you're not too fat and your house BETTER NOT BE GROSS! I wonder how many kids you have and how many boys and girls. I also wonder about their dad.
I'm in Nauvoo right now with all these wonderful people! I hope you are in contact with at least some of them still. I hope you remember the example of the faculty, the Pinegars and the Lamberts, the Huffs, the Smiths and the Sharfs. They really know how to be happy. Are you happy? I know you can be! Do you love and serve Heavenly Father?
This is fairly overwhelming writing to my worst critic, just remember I am your worst critic too and hopefully right now you are measuring up to what I hope you are. I wonder how your mission went! I hope you learned a lot. You should think about a cool story and tell someone about it when you are done reading this. It's kind of funny I am imagining you as Sheri Freer or Cyndi Mickelson, I wonder how you feel reading this. Do you feel like it is some laurel or I don't know, I hope you can remember me and how I feel about love and kids and family and the gospel. I hope you take seriously my views perhaps not to apply them because maybe they are wrong but from a 20 year old self I feel so deeply that happiness exists in every place you'll ever be. Maybe you'll have a hard time finding it. I know that it is found in living the principles and commandments of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.
I am so scared of money and kids and not being all I need to be for them and my husband. I hope you know what you are doing. I hope you are trying your very best; slow to anger, humble, kind, thoughtful, serviceable, fun, real, and charitable.
Alright so my ideal marriage from where I stand...you've been married for a while now. I am so curious who. I'm sure this could be a mistake writing this with someone in mind. I hope it's not. I hope whatever happened was not painful. I hope you two made good choices and lived by faith to get to the temple and had a sure knowledge you were going in just right. that's all past to you now but it consumes much of my thought. You do know I'm in love right? I wonder if that was weird to read. Are you still madly in love? Do you think about him when he is at work or school and just get happy that he will be with you forever? I hope you still make out! I LOVE KISSING!
I read Gordon B Hinkley's biography, or some of it, last semester at EA. In it, it quotes Marjorie Pay Hinkley talking about how she knew that she would never be first in Gordon's life. She went into her marriage knowing that God would come first in every situation. Can you say that about your life? Is HE your first priority? I hope so. I know He wants you to be happy. I hope you support your husband in all he does if that is his first priority. Is he second only to God? Do you follow him in faith? In the Autobiography of Parley P Pratt it talks about a conversation between Sidney Rigdon and his wife Phebe who gave up EVERYTHING for the gospel.
Although he felt great confidence in the Lord, yet he felt it a trial of some magnitude, when he avowed his determination to his beloved companion.... he informed her what the consequences would undoubtedly be respecting their worldly circumstances if they obeyed the gospel; and then said, 'my dear, you have once followed me into poverty, are you willing to do the same?' she then said, 'I have weighed the matter, I have contemplated on the circumstances in which we may be placed; I have counted the cost, and I am perfectly satisfied to follow you; it is my desire to do the will of God, come life or death'" (The Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt pg.56)I hope that is a reflection to some degree of your relationship. In your patriarchal blessing it talks about marrying someone worthy of your ideals so I know you did. Are you living up to those ideals?
Those things are first and foremost in importance to me. I hope they are to you too. I wonder if that is hard. Some other things that are important in a marriage relationship are as follows - but first, I just want you to be able to laugh at me because I feel like a 12 year old writing to you and in all honesty I should feel like those things are closer. Marriage feels so far away.- I hope you read together and talk about what things mean especially the scriptures. I hope you go to the temple a lot. Do you remember your first experiences there? I hope you go on adventures and play together. I know you are both more busy than ever but adventures need you and you need them! I hope you go hiking and fishing and camping and to the lake. I hope you exercise together. Can you still do a back flip? that would be so sweet! Do you still skateboard? I hope you're good at it. I hope you cook together. I hope you do service together. I hope you are good examples to your kids. Are you setting a Marriage standard for them? Do they know that you are in love? When do the butterflies fade and when does Marriage become old news and just tough? I remember just before we moved from Flagstaff to Mesa dad was trying to fix the molding on the stairs that went up to the boys room. I remember hearing him swear and things slamming around in the garage and when I opened the door to see what had happened he had tears in his eyes, he had made a mistake on the last cut and he just broke. "Life just isn't fun Mary, I don't like it" I don't exactly know why I told that story but I know you and your husband will have days like that. I hope that you can rely on each others strength as you move through those periods of life. I hope you lean on each other. I hope you are best friends. That's what you need!
Mary, I hope you don't have to deal with the issues of a decaying marriage. are you working your hardest to stay away from nights where you just fight for hours? Heavenly Father can't be there on those night and days. Are you constantly aware of His presence in your home? Are you constantly aware of your children? Mary Please don't be angry. Honestly I realize that I don't know much about marriage because I have never been married but I have watched people forever and what I have noticed is that a happy mom makes the whole family happier. Please don't assume you know everything, all that does is bug people. Don't relate everything back to yourself just so you can hear yourself talk. Love people without making them do ear service. Appreciate the things your husband does, notice his efforts and express gratitude. DO NOT BE A FEMINIST! The role you play is important and is not lesser or downgraded by your husbands role. you simply do different things.
Don't be moody Mary! If you have a chemical imbalance don't waste time in denial! Go to the doctor! DEAL WITH IT! I sincerely hope that before you had kids you worked out more self mastery. I hope you can wake up in the morning and diet and make it to all your appointments and activities that are required of you. I hope sometimes you get obsessed with your husband. I hope sometimes all you want is to be with him.
Don't be a freak! Love yourself. Heavenly Father does, your husband does and your kids do. You cannot be what any of those people need until you love yourself. I don't know if that's still a problem.
I hope that when the two of you are alone you can make each other laugh so hard that you wet your pants. HE BETTER BE FUNNY! I hope that you are not blind to your own faults. Always be Humble! If you and your husband always put each other before yourselves there is nothing that you cannot conquer.
Alright. Kids. I have been one of those for twenty years which makes me almost expert. My first hope is that you can stand and say "We're just kids" as long as you live! Christ said become like children, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon you - be THAT! You will forever be able to relate with your children if you base your home upon those principles. DO NOT raise your voice in anger!! If you have repent and DO NOT DO IT! Do not let your children see you fighting with your husband! if you have repent. They can see if there is a problem. If you know how to work it out in front of them as Christ like examples go ahead, if you can't you are just teaching your children to fight. If you are angry, first, Pray, then act as you feel appropriate.
DO NOT use put downs. Knowing that you are constantly falling short of perfection helps NOTHING! Encourage your children in love. Help them to love to be better. Be an example of improvement. You are not perfect, I know, but I hope that you are always striving to be the best you can be in your circumstances. If nothing else. PLEASE DO NOT TELL YOUR CHILDREN HOW BADLY THEY ARE MESSING UP! IT NEVER ONCE HELPED YOU! Be a mother that leads in faith! fear doesn't accomplish anything. Have your children choose the right not because they fear punishment but because they trust & have faith in the happiness or rewards that will come from making good decisions.
Mary, there are only two forces out there. One is good and one is evil. any motion, thought or action that we have make or do is in the spirit of one of those forces. Be a living example of the truth you know. Practice what you preach. Illustrate your testimony with your actions. Parents are the most influential people in the world. Subdue all elements of anger. Are you saying kind words? Use the priesthood in your home! Teach your children about the blessings of it. Eat together as a family everyday. Remember when you left home how special eating together became? It is important that you are a homemaker. Read the scriptures together as a family everyday no matter the cost. make sure the spirit is there and never get LAZY. The things you read with teach the sure path to Christ. Explain what the scriptures mean and how they apply. DO NOT be cranky when you do scripture study or family prayer. It will ruin you. Say prayers together as a family Everyday. It is your compass! There is no substitute. Practice Family Home Evening it is your sacred duty. You have to if you want your family to make it. Hold Family councils. make your home a place kids want to come. Toys and video games will not give your children the substance they need for this life. Encourage them in every good thing.
LISTEN! Do not correct your children when they just want to talk. Don't always give advise. IF you are asked or inspired to speak wisdom those are the only times you should talk. When they are just talking don't feel like you need to respond or give opinions or answers. Sometimes a kid just wants someone to listen.
Be Youthful. It is more important to be a parent than a friend but always be someone that your children can relate to. When Elden was little he would draw comic books. The only person that ever thought they were worth looking at was his mom. Be interested in what your kids spend their time doing or at least sound interested, laugh where it is supposed to be funny.
In a Talk by Elder M Russell Ballard about raising the bar for missionaries he spoke mostly to the holders of the Aaronic priesthood but at the end he turned his attention to the fathers about their responsibility in child rearing. ( refer to talk enclosed)
The other day I was thinking about how important it is to hold interviews with your children but I was also thinking about what I feel like mom did wrong and how she doesn't even know it. Council with your children about what they need you to do. Ask them how they feel you are doing as a parent and then listen with an open mind. If you start this process early they will be so much more comfortable communicating with you and they will see your desire to be the best.Now, fathers, you have a vital role in this preparation process. We know that the most profound influence on helping young men prepare for the Melchizedek Priesthood, marriage, and fatherhood is the family. If your sons understand the basic doctrines required to become a faithful father, they will surely be ready to serve as a full-time missionary. Unfortunately, far too many fathers abdicate this eternal responsibility. You may assume that the bishop and the seminary, Sunday School, and Young Men teachers and leaders are in a better position to motivate and inspire your sons than you are. That simply is not the case. While ecclesiastical leaders are important to your son’s priesthood and missionary preparation, the Church exists as a resource to you. It is not a substitute for your inspired teaching, guidance, and correction.Consequently, if we are “raising the bar” for your sons to serve as missionaries, that means we are also “raising the bar” for you. If we expect more of them, that means we expect more of you and your wife as well. Remember, Helaman’s 2,000 stripling warriors were faithful because “they had been taught to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before him” (Alma 53:21)—and that instruction came in their homes.Some fathers don’t think they have the right to ask worthiness questions of their children. They think that is the purview of the bishop alone. Fathers, not only do you have the right to know the worthiness of your children, you have the responsibility. It is your duty to know how your children are doing with regards to their spiritual well-being and progression. You need to monitor carefully the issues and concerns they share with you. Ask specific questions of your children regarding their worthiness, and refuse to settle for anything less than specific answers.Too often our bishops have to instruct youth to talk to their parents about problems they are having. That procedure should actually flow the other direction. Parents should be so intimately aware of what is going on in their children’s lives that they know about the problems before the bishop does. They should be counseling with their children and going with them to their bishops if that becomes necessary for complete repentance. As divinely appointed judges in Israel, the bishop and the stake president determine worthiness and resolve concerns on behalf of the Church; but, fathers, you have an eternal responsibility for the spiritual welfare of your children. Please assume your rightful place as counselor, adviser, and priesthood leader in preparing your sons to bear the Melchizedek Priesthood and to serve as missionaries. (M Russell Ballard Oct 2002 The Greatest generation of missionaries)
In a talk I heard in sacrament meeting a man shared a story he had heard: One day one of his friends sons came home who had gotten into a fight with his girlfriend. Being 17 and his first girlfriend, it was a very hard thing for him to go through. Later that night they broke up. The boy went into his room and laid down on his bed and cried. His father, late into the night, heard his sons sobs and went into his room, laid on his bed and cried with him. "My son", he said, "The sun will come out again. I love you" Always be sensitive to the things going on in your children's lives. Feel their pain with them and take them seriously.
Make sure you offer your children well rounded lives. Read with them and talk about it as if you were in a literature class. Help them see deeply. Play with them. Mary, I am sure programs are stressful to have your kids in but it is important that they see and so as much as possible. Take them on adventures and be the real you for them. So not be anything that you are not to people outside your family, rather, become what you would hope to be without being concerned with what others think. Those things will teach your kids how to be themselves socially. Make sure sports and music and arts are all part of life. By pushing yourself to be the best you can you push your children to aspire to greatness. Show gratitude for all that your children are. You need them to know that you see them becoming. Always be sure to teach by the spirit that is how they will learn it and if you teach by anger or other ways that is how they will learn it. Be aware. Look for your mistakes in the actions of your children. Be flexible. always willing to change your teaching styles to fit the needs of your children.
MONEY: views from someone that has never had it or worked and has no idea how to deal with it:)
Do not go into debt for anything but school, a home and maybe a car. Work hard and save before you make purchases. I don't know if this has happened yet but I have this theory that the economy is going to collapse because it is inflated on money that doesn't even exist. Don't be a partaker in the madness. Be smart. Be poor if you have to! Hopefully your husband is starting into a good career and has a college education and hopefully more than just little business. I wonder what he is. I wonder what degree you got. I hope you work at least some or at least plan to work when all your kids are in school. I wonder what you think about that now. I hope you understand the reality between what is want and what is need. I do hope your house is nice and pretty but staying out of debt and doing cool stuff is more important than flower arrangements and hair pieces.
When Lynn was raising her boys sometimes they didn't have money for the things the boys wanted or needed. Lynn would sell something to provide. What a perfect example of Christlike charity. I hope that you are willing to provide with sacrifice not only what is necessary but sometimes what is wanted. Above all help your children to understand that among all the possessions in the world a testimony is the most important.
Be thrifty no matter how much you have. You'll need money forever, don't ever let yourself believe that it is in constant supply. SAVE.
Mary, always acknowledge others. Be grateful for them. Love unconditionally. Follow the Savior. Remember how much mom and dad really have given you.Remember what you have come from, take the best parts and build thereon. Bare with patience thine afflictions. D&C 122. Love your Husband. MAKEOUT.
I have on my list of things to write you a name. I hope you love that...okay risky business.... but I will say I hope it worked out for the best.
You should name one of your sons Shadrick! It's awesome!
Don't be a hypochondriac! SUCK IT UP! You, like the savior, came here to serve, make sure you are doing your best. No one ever wrote about the savior complaining about things. Try, Try to be like him.
I wish I could get a letter from you because it sure would be great to know what's ahead.
Keep becoming Mary. Be the best you can. Read your journal. Help your sisters out. Be good.
LOVE IS LORD OF HEAVEN AND EARTH!
Mary Miller
One last thing. I think it would be really great to have your children read the miracle of forgiveness before they start dating. It might save them grief that is almost unbearable.
Do you still love beautiful things?
Beautiful, awkward, hopeful, painful, naive, easier to write a book on how to be perfect than to just go be perfect, some things you just can't understand until you get there, "Averie, I want you to stop throwing food at me because it will bless your life and make you happy...?" There are only two forces in this world.... well should i play the piano, share the gospel with a friend on Facebook and learn how to put all my food storage under the floorboards on Pinterest, do the dishes, fold laundry, play with my kids, make someone dinner, go make fun of someone because they are stupid or destroy an ant hill in the back yard using chemical warfare...? good, better, best and they don't come with labels but thanks for trying.
I'm glad I wrote it and I am glad I was a good. kid. Life is still hard but I think overall I will from this sweet little time-capsuled woman of faith become with more fervor.
